The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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