I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
