I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
...so i touched it.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Acid is not a monday night drug
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
