life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
