I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize