cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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