I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
