I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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