Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
