Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
