peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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