I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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