he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
