If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
