She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize