I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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