I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
