Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
