I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
