Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
