I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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