oh god the rape fog is back!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
