I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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