alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
