somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
