New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
