Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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