You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
