I accidentally had phone sex last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
