So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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