I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
