wake up i wanna do it froggy style
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize