we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
