Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
