420 ftw
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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