Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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