WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
