On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
