3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
