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It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
