At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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