I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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