The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
