Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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