Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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