Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
