I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize