update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
