I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
