I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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