if only i could text you this smell
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
