You just made me feel so damn special
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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