Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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