By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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