I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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