Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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