Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(212): View more from New York

the recession has oofficially hit my standards.

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(205): View more from Alabama

So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?

(380): View more from Ohio

I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now

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