Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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