Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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