I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
