I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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