when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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