dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
