i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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