i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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