This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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