I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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