I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
